(I Never Intended to have) Children

I never intended to have children. I love them and always have, but I did not think I was capable of the long-term, stable, happy relationship that I felt they deserved, and my life was so full that I did not feel I had time for them.

Well, I was right on both counts; but I have had children anyway, and they have enriched my life beyond measure.

When first I realised I was pregnant, I felt more joyful than I had ever remembered feeling before. Even though I had only just met her father, and even though I wasn’t too sure about our relationship, and even though I had not planned to have children, I was more sure about having her than anything I had known before.

We moved to Byron Bay while I was pregnant, and lived in a little house in the middle of nowhere, far from the support of family and friends. It was not an easy situation. We had two children, close together, and separated shortly thereafter.

Raising two children as a single working mother is no picnic, but it is so much easier than raising them in an unhappy relationship. If I had cared for myself as well, it would have been fine, but I felt sad and lost and lonely and started to drink. This was a slippery slope for me to be on, and I made my life harder than it need have been. I did not love and care for myself, and my children suffered from my being the way I was. I always loved and cared for them, as best I could, but often gave from my emptiness, rather than from the fullness of love.

I was blessed to meet a man, Serge Benhayon, who showed me another way of being. This way came from the love inside me I had always known, but had long forgotten. To be treated with such gentleness, such tenderness, such love by a man – was a healing in itself for me. I started, very slowly, to live from that love, and to raise my children in that love.

This absolute love, which I had felt on the day I first held my children, but could not sustain in myself, began to be part of my daily life. And the more I loved me, the more I was able to truly love others. The feeling of love was fleeting at first, and sometimes only felt while gazing on my children as they slept! As my connection to myself and my love for myself grew, I was able to love my children more and more.

Now, I truly love them all the time, and if for some reason I don’t feel that love, I know it is because I have chosen to separate from the love that I am.

What is so great about having children?

They are a reflection of love, all the time. The love I feel for them is always pulling me up, asking me to be more, to be more me, to be more love.

I cannot give up on them. Even when I was tempted to give up on myself, I kept going for them.

They push my buttons, expose my weaknesses, my fragility, and keep me honest and humble.

They keep me young at heart and in touch with what is happening in the world.

They keep me caring about what is happening in the world, about the kind of world we are creating for ourselves, our children and our children’s children.

They keep me connected with my community, through school, friends, sports and other events they are part of. They help me to meet people I may not normally meet, through their friends and the school community.

Most of all, my children have helped me return to love. Every day I give thanks for having them, for the joy they have brought into my life. I have learned more from and with my children than from all the rest of my life.

I still marvel at how they came to be… and when I look at these two amazing beings, I still wonder what grace allowed me to be the one who brought them into the world.

This blog was first published on Words on Serge Benhayon


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